Manic Monday: Wax

For any of you who don't have kids but would like to duplicate the experience for a few days:

1) Spill Kool-Aid on your carpet. Preferably bright red Kool-Aid on a new white carpet. Bonus: Spill Kool-Aid on new white sheets, and then pee in the bed.

2) Leave brightly colored crayons in the back seat of your car and let the car sit in the hot sun for an entire afternoon, until the wax melts and soaks into the upholstery. Claim to have no knowledge of how the crayons got there.

3) Record other people's kids having tantrums, screeching, whining, shouting, shrieking, and making all other kinds of loud irritating noises. Play these recordings at top volume when other people are trying to eat, shop, attend worship services, or converse with friends. Occasionally tell the recording to quiet down, then simply turn the volume higher. If anyone tells you to shut the damn thing off, say one (or all) of the following inane comments:
a) "Ohhh, they're not hurting anything."
b) "Maybe YOU'RE the one who should go somewhere else."
c) "Ehh. Kids will be kids."
d) "I'm sure you did the same thing when you were young."
e) "Child hater!"

Then, once you have come to your senses, buy new carpet, get new upholstery, buy new sheets, erase the recording, and vow to never, ever do this again.
Hear that sound?
It's called silence.
Ahhhh.
.