Saturday, April 19, 2008

Spilling some more of my guts

I've tried to confine my recent "heartbreak" story primarily to this blog. I've alluded to it over at the Jannaverse, and I've linked here from Jantics, but this is the blog where I've gone into the most detail. Even then, there are some aspects I have to keep secret.
I think I'm past the "crying" phase. When the wounds were fresh and raw, I cried absolutely every day. The hurt feelings, the sense of loss and grief, it was all overwhelming.
Then the pain mixed with anger. (Which of course falls right in line with the natural stages of grief). I felt betrayed and unjustly abandoned. I was (and sort of still am) furious at this person for losing interest in me and falling head over heels for someone else.
I also felt angry because I actually had to EXPLAIN to this person why I felt hurt. He actually read my previous post and couldn't understand why on earth I was upset. (?!)
Part of the pain comes from realizing that things can never be the way they WERE. I wish I could make things go back the way they USED to be, when everything was wonderful. When I smiled giddily just thinking about him. When he was extra-attentive and made sure to e-mail me multiple times per day. We had so much fun. We joked around a lot. We shared a similar sense of humor. I loved it all.
And then it all dwindled to nothing... and I found out the awful news on April 2nd. At first I thought it was a belated April Fools joke. I really did. Then I desperately HOPED it was a joke, even as the sick feeling set in. I sat at the computer, reading the "news", and I cried. I cried so much.
I can write about it now without tears coming to my eyes, so I suppose that's progress of some sort. I realize it will probably take awhile to fully heal. Months, maybe years. And it will be a long, long, long time before I feel ready to love anyone ever again. That's another reason I feel angry. This whole thing really took a chunk out of me.
People you love aren't supposed to take chunks out of you. And they definitely aren't supposed to dump you.
I feel I'm dealing with this as best I can, in a reasonably constructive way. I've written music, I've written poetry, I've made graphics, and I've spoken to supportive friends.
I want to take a moment to thank all of you who have e-mailed me privately with words of support.

Ironic afterthought: My RMT renewal certificate came in the mail last week, so I am still officially a therapist. I should start billing myself for all this self-induced therapy I'm getting.


Mo said...

So, are you past heartbreak and ready to hire a hit man?

Travis said...

Keep hanging in there. It really does get better.